This is What 38 Weeks Pregnant Looks Like

This morning I had an appointment with my mid-wife (who happens to be located a scant mile from 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, and if you own an iPhone, you should already know the significance of this address). Now the main difference between a midwife and an obstetrician I have found, is that a mid-wife makes you pee in a cup at every appointment and takes time to talk with you and explain whats going on with the baby chillaxing in your uterus... and an obstetrician doesn't. Or maybe that was just my experience? Whatevs. Point being I like my mid-wife except the peeing in a cup thing is awkward, because I mean come on you guys! They give you the teeniest cup in the world and are like, "aim sucker", which is not as easy for a pregnant woman who can't see past her belly to even landscape as it might be for a dude who is all like, "I've got this."

Also, my midwife has chocolate in a basket at the front desk, and the receptionist smiles at you when you take some which is how you know she's not judging you for being weak and pregnant about sweets. Winning.

Anywhoha. Today the midwife had a student nurse practitioner with her, which I was totes cool with and everything. I mean, if you want to practice your mid-wifery on my perfectly normal (knock on wood) pregnancy, go for it. Yes your hands are cold, but that's okay because you also have really nice hair and are being gentle finding the baby's back and head and whatnot through my belly. Just one thing stuck out to me about this lady though. First thing she says to me when she walks in is, "Hi I'm L****. Wow, you sure don't look 38 weeks pregnant!"

Now I get this a lot, honestly, so I wasn't super shocked or anything. Once upon a time I took pride in being told I barely looked knocked up because I mean, who doesn't want to look thin when they feel like a house? Now though, with kidlets feet kicking me in the side all the time, and barely being able to breathe when I turn from one side to another in the night because the weight of my uterus cuts off my blood supply and somehow my oxygen for the brief moments I'm on my back... I'm a little less thrilled to be told I don't look as pregnant as I am. I mean, maybe if I looked more pregnant people wouldn't look kindly but skeptical when I complain of heartburn or rib aches or lightning crotch or any other number of highly unpleasant symptoms that have started to make themselves known in the past few weeks.

And then there's always the thought in the back of my head that's like, "Gee, if you don't look pregnant maybe it's because you always looked like a house," when in reality its just because of the way Baby Llama is positioned and the fact that my boobs have gotten super huge like unto watermelons during this pregnancy, so they overshadow the belly quite a bit.

So my numero uno piece of advice to friends/relations/significant others of pregnant women: You don't need to tell her she doesn't look pregnant. "Not looking pregnant" does not automatically equate to looking thin or carrying the pregnancy well. No, your pregnant woman knows exactly how much she has gained and what size clothes she's wearing now and probably her body fat percentage, so if she doesn't look pregnant she will probably think she just looks fat, which is not good for pregnant self-esteem, let me tell you. Instead tell her how beautiful she looks, how resplendent her figure is, or perhaps that her hair looks fantastic. She'll appreciate it.

And for the record, this is what 38 weeks pregnant looks like on me. So there.

What is the most awkward thing you've said to a pregnant woman or had said to you while pregnant? Be honest, we all know you've got a story.