How To Not Go Into Labor

Let me be the first to tell you that the other side of a baby's due date is not a particularly magical place to be if you're still pregnant. Which I am. On this side there is lots of anxiety and impatience (Omg, was that a contraction? Does that mean I'm in labor? I wonder if this will help me go into labor?), self doubt and fear (Why am I not in labor yet? Will this put me into labor? Can I handle another day of being pregnant?), and a good helping of rage (Baby, why haven't you come out yet? Why does this suck so much? WHY DO YOU HATE ME, BABY?!). It's not super fun.

So I'm trying to find a silver lining. I mean, realistically this whole "over-due" thing could go on until the 24th (at which point they will be forced to induce) so I should probably find some way to cope with all of the many feels. 

So silver lining number one: Baby Llama continues to be healthy and happy and cozy as a little clam. I'm a good mom right now and she never cries... probably because she doesn't breathe oxygen yet and can't make noise, but that's not the point. 

Lining number two: This gives me time to play The Sims, which I haven't done in months and which I'm actually thoroughly enjoying. But let me tell you, if my Sim has a baby before I do, there will be blood. 

Lining numero tres: I've discovered four sure fire ways to not induce labor. Would you like to hear them? Of course you would. Now some of these things might sound familiar to you. They sounded familiar to me when the midwife suggested them and I'd heard they were the only "old wives tales" that actually had a shot in heck of working. So I was like, "Yeah, cool. I'll do all of these things and the baby will just slip out the next day. Awesome. Maybe she'll even show up a few days before the tenth." NO. 

Let me be the first person, and if I'm not the first let me add my voice to the chorus of overly pregnant women before me, to tell you that the following things do not put you into labor. 

1. Sex. It's fun, but it's not going to put you into labor. Been there, done that, not working. At this point I'd rather just not expend the effort because it's doing nothing. 

2. Evening primrose oil. I take this stuff orally because I don't really want to think about the other option. Basically it's supposed to have a ton of prostaglandins in it which will ripen the cervix and maybe make you go into labor. Nope. The only contractions I get these days usually mean I have to poo, so I think the oil is a fail. 

3. Bouncing on a birthing ball. I was on mine ALL DAY yesterday. Today I am still pregnant. So no. 

4. And finally, walking. Maybe my walks are broken, but I've been going regularly for weeks now and all it results in is sore legs and a pain in my back. 

At this point, I think I'm just going to throw my hands in the air, stop doing things, and eat Cheetos in bed while I wait for this party to get started. 

And because I'm not feeling up to having my picture taken today (just visualize a house with my face on it and you'll be spot on), you get a picture of my dog looking dead yesterday instead. I'm seriously considering imitating him today and calling the whole day a win. 

^^^No really, he likes to sleep this way. 

Are there any things that actually work to put you into labor? Is today the day? Isn't my dog cute?

Probably TMI Bump Update and Nerdliness!

Okay, so yesterday's Midwife appointment. It went well. Mr. Llama got off of work early to go with me, which was nice, and we drove over to Cupertino to make the 3 o clock time slot I'd been given. We got there on time at which point I drank a couple cups of water to try and fill up the bladder (which doesn't take very long these days, let me tell you) and then had my blood pressure taken and my weight measured. It's always super thrilling standing on that scale, really the highlight of the whole experience, so I don't even know why I'm bothering to go on (sarcasm).

Next up they sat me down in this really peaceful room and strapped a couple things to my belly to monitor the baby's movements and heart rate and whatnot. They call it a non-stress test (NST), and it took maybe five minutes. Baby Llama passed with flying colors because she is a genius. After the NST I met the ultrasound technician and we got to see the baby while he measured and joked and talked about how she had a bit of peach fuzz but probably not a lot of hair, which makes us think she'll be either blonde or red-headed like her Daddy. And then Baby Llama stuck her tongue out at us and blinked and did all manner of cute things.

For those of you interested, she's measuring about seven pounds nine ounces (give or take a pound) and  has the roundest little cheeks in there. So round in fact that Mr. Llama suggested she might have inherited them from my father, who has the awesomest cheeks ever. She also seems to be super cozy (even though she's super crowded) and has a good amount of fluid to swim in as well as a still fully functioning placenta.

After that it was time for the not so cute part of the visit, during which my no nonsense, down to earth and personable midwife got to stick her fingers into my nether regions and check my cervix. Joyful day.  Good news though! She was surprised to find that I'm already dilated 3-4 centimeters (for reference, fully dilated is 10 centimeters) and 80% effaced. She told me with those stats I could ask to be induced at any time and they'd be cool with it, but she suggested just letting nature do it's thing because the baby could really come at any point now. By any point though, she meant any time from that night to two weeks from now, because women have been known to stay at 3-4 centimeters for weeks. Fortunately though, baby's head is super low and in a great position, so as soon as she says it's go time, we can evacuate her.

So basically my body is doing what it is supposed to do like a champ. Thanks, body!

Oh yeah, and she also told me to call them as soon as I was in labor, because things might move quickly due to my current progress. So cheers to a fast, easy, and painless delivery. Are those a real thing while unmedicated?

Once that was over I left a urine sample (still can't aim worth a toot) and we left the office. On our way home we passed a BJ's and I was craving a Pizzookie, so we stopped and had a pretty early dinner, but it was delicious so I don't even care that I had to have a second dinner before bed time.



Anywho, this BJ's happened to be conveniently located next to the one place in Silicon Valley that Mr. Llama has been dying to go, but far too embarrassed to actually suggest visiting because he thinks I don't like his nerdiness or something, which is so not the case. I love him in all of his nerdly glory, especially when he is reluctantly but ecstatically standing next to the Apple Campus's sign and then going in to explore their official gift shop while pretending like he didn't want me to drag him there. It's just super dreamy to see. Watch, I'll show you.

So yeah, we had a pretty rad time yesterday. And I highly suggest getting a cookies and cream pizzookie next time you're at BJ's, because guys, it was divine. 

Now Ciao!

What is the nerdiest thing about you? Should I have purchased that onesie? Isn't my husband handsome?

Operation "Let's Get This Baby Out" Is In Full Effect

Today is my due-date. I'm 40 weeks pregnant, which means the baby should be making her grand entrance any second now. Unfortunately, I feel pretty much exactly the same as I did at 39 weeks pregnant. And 38 weeks pregnant. And 37 weeks pregnant. And even 36 weeks pregnant. The term is uncomfortable. And yet still unchanged. There aren't any timeable contractions. I haven't felt the baby drop noticeably. There has been no sign of a mucous plug or bloody show (lovely terms, right?). All I get are the occasional braxton hicks contractions and sharp pains in my cervix when I have the nerve to walk with too much bounce in my step. 

I'm hoping all of this means I'll go into labor suddenly and progress quickly and easily from feeling pretty okay to having a brand new little Llama to cuddle. What are the chances of that happening? I'm going to pretend they are pretty good. 

Now because I know you're all super interested, here are a few stats about me at 40 weeks pregnant. 

1. I am always, always hungry. 

2. I've gained 38 pounds, which is probably more than I should have, but I regret nothing because every pastry and ounce of ice-cream was well worth the extra flab I'll have to work off. There's just something about sugar that makes everything seem better when your hips feel like they're about to explode and you can't stand without wheezing. 

3. My ta-tas have grown two cup sizes (probably more but I refuse to buy more bras until after the baby is born) and now look bigger than my head from certain angles. 

4. The baby doesn't move as much any more, but this is perfectly normal because she's pretty much trapped in the equivalent of a glass case of emotion in there. When she does move it's not so much kicks as it is hiccups (twice a day, folks) and rolls and moving her arms to try and get comfy. Andplusalso, when I press down on one side of my stomach I can feel her under my hand and also can feel her being pushed against the opposite side. It's super strange. 

5. I've spent more time on my bouncy ball than is probably healthy. 

6. My water just broke. 

7. Just kidding about number six. 

Now here's what I look like with a fully cooked but apparently shy baby in my uterus. 

Now really, when am I going to go into labor? What do you mean you don't know?! Do you know how uncomfortable I am!!? GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!!!

Midwife The Magnificent

We've reached the home stretch of the whole pregnancy thing I think, and I'm definitely psyched about that. Yesterday we had our last midwife appointment before I hit my due date, which means there's a something percent chance I will go into labor before Monday, although I was told that it is fairly common for first time mothers with pregnancies as normal as mine to give birth after their due date rather than before it. Which means that there is an even greater something percent chance that I will still be pregnant after Monday of next week. Who am I kidding? I'll probably still be pregnant two Monday's from now with my luck.

The appointment was lovely though. Mr. Llama was able to get the morning off of work to accompany me and we met the second midwife for the first time. Her name is Lin and she has the most adorable British accent and she calls you "lovely" and gives you a hug because you're really very stressed out and she can tell. And then she tells you to "stop reading" those birth books you mentioned because at this point its all going to happen anyway, so what she really wants for you to do is go home and start visualizing yourself in really good labor (cue labor imitation now, complete with hunched shoulders and moaning), and then she wants you to visualize your baby coming down the birth canal very easily with your hips very wide and the baby comparatively small. And that's the trick.

Oh and plus also take some Evening Primrose Oil starting tonight because it will help to soften the cervix.

So basically I love her because she is super hip and grandmotherly and also very good at making me feel like this whole labor and delivery thing is going to be a cake walk or something equally as easy because honestly I have no idea what a cake walk is or if it is, in fact, easy.

Something else she helped with at the appointment was pin pointing what my biggest fear was about this whole thing. No one had ever really asked me directly before "what is your biggest fear?", but she did, and I was kinda surprised at my answer.

"That I'll be hooked up to all sorts of IV's and Monitors and strapped to a bed and end up cut and C-sectioned." So not dealing with the pain of labor at all (apparently I don't think that is a super big deal?) but that people will do things to me and I will lose control of the situation. And then Lin helped me to see that really, none of that was necessary and that the chances of me being forced into having any sort of intervention I didn't want are super low given my history and, in her words, my "good big feet and high cheek bones which mean my pelvis will be perfect for birthing this baby."

I left the appointment far less stressed than I had been about getting the baby out--because as long as the baby is happy in there I can deal with the discomfort--and less afraid that I'll end up with an induction and an epidural and a slowed labor and an emergency C-section. So over-all, my last appointment before I'm "over-due" was a success I think.

OH OH OH, and I got a vaccine! My first since I was five years old. I may have started to freak out a little when they came into the room with the needle, because I mean, it had been 18 YEARS since I'd had one of those things... but I also knew that the TDAP was kinda important given Whooping Cough season is coming up and it reaches epidemic levels sometimes in this area... and baby needs antibodies to it from me. So I sucked it up, and I let the midwife in training stick me in the arm, and it hurt basically not at all which was surprising, because when I was five the nurse had to hold me down something fierce to get those needles in me. I mean, it hurt less than getting blood drawn even, which I've basically gotten 98% used to.

After that all that was left to do was schedule my first NST (Non-Stress Test) and over-due ultrasound to check fluid levels to make sure everything is still going swimmingly (haha, get it? Fluids? Swimmingly? I'm so funny) on Monday. Which we did. And then we came home and Mr. Llama left for work and I watched Harry Potter some more and it was great.

The end.

Now here is a selfie of me yesterday at 39 weeks, 3 days. Yes there are spots on my bathroom mirror. Stop judging me with your judging eyes.

Have you ever visualized before? Did it go well? Can one overdose on Evening Primrose Oil? If you had to guess, on what day will this Baby Llama be born? 

Lunch Time Blues

Just once during this pregnancy I would like to be able to finish a meal without getting nauseas. Sadly, I think that blessed miracle has decided to pass me by, because even now, six days from my due date, I still can't finish a stinking ham and cheese sandwich at lunch time without feeling like I am going to hurl. I mean look at my plate!

Isn't it sad? The hunk of heaven on the left is jam packed with sharp cheddar and mustard, two of my favorite things in the world. And I still can't eat it. And the crust, well, Llama Dog generally helps me eat that, because apparently I am a 5 year old when it comes to my sandwiches. Which is probably why he looks like this 99.7% of the time that I'm eating.

It is super cute until you feel guilty for eating the last bit of your own meal because you're depriving the dog of its one joy in life. Maybe I should have thought more about this whole table scraps thing when he was little.

In other news, I thought I was going in to labor last night, but I wasn't. I feel like this is becoming a pattern. A very depressing, anxiety inducing pattern. Andplusalso, I started actually reading the birthing book I got so many moons ago, and it is simultaneously increasing and decreasing my fear of labor and delivery. I didn't even know that was possible.

Reading it pretty much goes like this.

Oh my gosh! I have to push a baby out of my vajay! It's going to hurt so bad! But I can handle it! But holy cow, did you know it's going to hurt for hours and hours? Dude, you've got this, you're a champion. A champion of PAIN! No! A champion of growing a baby and then pushing it out of your body all by yourself because you're a bad A. 

Rinse and Repeat.

So pretty much I have all of the feelings in the world about childbirth now, and they are just building up and eventually will explode. Probably around the same time my body does, resulting in a small creature Mr. Llama and I will then be responsible for that we can't just put in a kennel to calm down.

This is going to be fun.





What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? When was the last time you hurled? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How Do Balls Work?

Seriously. I don't know if you've ever been pregnant before, but if you have and you've used a birthing ball, I'd love any tips you have on getting them to help the baby realize she wants to be on the outside getting attention and cuddles instead of on the inside making her Mama Llama uncomfortable. I mean, do you just sit on it however and bounce? Do you stay on it for hours or minutes? How does this legendary device work!? Because I've spent like, an hour and a half bouncing on this sucker and feel exactly as pregnant as I did before. I'm pretty sure I must be missing something.

And in not pregnancy related news, I thought you should know that a gigantic red wood tree fell over in the park nearish our house on Saturday afternoon. We drove by the gaggle of fire trucks and police officers surrounding the area that night on our way to get some delicious pralines and caramel ice-cream from the heavenly creamery down the road (where we waited in line for half an hour but regretted nothing because have you tasted the deliciousness they serve there!?) The story goes the tree broke in half and fell with a bang which was probably king of booms, crushing six vehicles parked innocently near-by and scaring the heck out of many near by pedestrians and park goers.

Today after church we drove home past the park and got a look at the tree for ourselves, free of its encircling emergency responders. And it was indeed massive. And three of the cars were still sitting there with their everythings banged in and glass all over the place. It was a sight to behold and I am very very glad we didn't decide go to the park and leave our car under a doomed red-wood.

And I also hope everyone had really good insurance.

Now here are some photos of me spending my Sunday evening trying to turn an inside baby into an outside baby.

What's the weirdest natural disaster you've ever witnessed? Do you know how birthing balls work? Did you think this post was about something else? 

Stop! Baby Time (almost)!

In case you were wondering, today is June 1st, which is the first day of the month in which my child will be born. Unless she is three weeks over-due, in which case you will be able to find me in a mental institution, or possibly a prison come July 1st.

Now, here follow a few facts about my almost outside baby.

1. She is baby sized.
2. She is a she (Three ultrasounds have confirmed it!)
3. She has hair unless she is bald in which case she has no hair. But that won't stop me from putting stick on bows on her head with KY Jelly.
4. She has fingernails that are probably pretty long.
5. She is probably pretty chunky right now.
6. She still thinks my ribs are those boards you break in karate class.
7. When she moves I often pee myself a little.

Now here is a picture of me at 39 weeks pregnant with hair I haven't washed in a couple days which is why my bangs look so gross.

My Magical Pregnancy Unicorn

Sometime pregnancy really is magical. The knowledge that your body --without any sort of direction or conscious decision on your part-- is busy creating a whole other human being inside of your uterus (which used to be the size of your fist... I think that's right... but is now the size of your entire belly blown up like a beach ball)... It's empowering. That's really the best way I can describe the feeling, because I think its one of those things you have to experience to truly understand.

Other times though, the magic is sort of missing and you're left feeling like an over-emotional, bloated whale with some sort of eating addiction. I mean, if I don't eat something right before bed I wake up for my 2 am pee break and sort of zombie shuffle blindly into the kitchen where I then stuff whatever looks delicious into my mouth. Thankfully everything I've eaten in the dead of night has been edible to date.

I think one of the hardest parts for me to handle has actually been my own self-judgement, especially about the weight gain aspect of pregnancy.  In college I lost over 70 pounds and went from a size eighteen to a size six, and it was a really triumphal period in my life. I was able to overcome my addictions to food and rebuild a relationship based on enjoyment and moderation, and I feel like I've done pretty well keeping to that during this pregnancy. Still, the pounds pile on and I'm trying to be okay with it, but in the back of my head I'm all like, "Llama, did you really need to gain 34 whole pounds?! Normal is between 25-35! Couldn't you have stuck to the low end of the spectrum?!" And then I whine to Mr. Llama about how fat I feel and he tells me I'm not fat I'm pregnant, and I look fabulous (because he always knows the right thing to say) and I tell my self-judgment to go jump off a bridge because tonight I'm going to get busy with a large serving of tin roof sundae ice cream from the most delicious little creamery, because I've been really good about my eating habits all week and my ribs ache and I need something tasty.

And that makes it a little less hard to deal with.

You know what else makes pregnancy weight gain easier to deal with? Planning for the future. I can't count the number of times I've said something along the lines of "once this baby evacuates, I'm going to hit the gym and be super sexy." I've said it so often I believe it, and whats more is that I'm excited about it. And not just the weight loss aspect of it. I'm excited to get healthy! Sure I was "thin" before (even though self-judgement would never let me call myself that), but I wasn't super healthy. Running left me all wheezy, and strength training was me lifting a weight once or twice and then calling it good. I didn't enjoy activity. It wasn't really a part of my life. Instead I focused on my diet. Calories in, calories out. Healthy foods and avoiding my triggers (I'm looking at you extra large Sonic Butterfinger Blast!). But something was definitely missing.

I mean, I have this amazing body, it's capable of an act of near divine creation, and I'm just sort of living in it. If I were to actually make an effort and use my body to do all the things it is capable of... how awesome would that be!? I mean, what if I could run ten miles? Or if I could be an awesome swimmer? Or go hiking on the weekends? What if I could dance or do yoga like a pro? What if I'm an athlete and I've just never tested myself to see, so I'm depriving myself of fulfilling experiences I could otherwise be having? And what if, as a mother, it's my responsibility to be active and healthy as well as a giant nerd, so that my daughter will know that while her mind and her spirit are important, so is the health of her body because it is her perpetual home?

I know, I know, I'm getting a little introspective here. But what if, right? I think I owe it to myself and to my family to try something new and make my physical health a priority. And maybe that is what has been truly magical about pregnancy for me. It has made me realize I'm capable of more than I had ever imagined, and I will forever be grateful for that.

^^^My capable body, 2010, 2011, and 2013.

What physical activities do you enjoy? Do you think pregnancy is magical? Do you believe in Unicorns?

Best Burgers Ever and a Lovely Visual

Not to brag, but last night Mr. Llama made me dinner (the man is a saint, I tell you) and it was most delicious. Imagine a hamburger--the best one you've ever tasted--now multiply the taste of it by 29,000 awesomes and you've got the meal my husband made me last night. I told you the griddle was a kitchen necessity before, and now I have a testimony of it. Because these burgers. Holy cow. He used some sort of sauce and seasoning in them, and then he made another sauce with pickle relish and it was divine and I about peed myself with excitement. Really I was just planning to eat one, but then there was another one and I thought, "eh, I'll eat half" but before I knew it the whole thing was gone. I blamed the dog for half a second in my head and then realized that the deliciously full and satisfied feeling in my belly meant it was probably me who had devoured the whole thing... so I accepted it and was happy.

The best part of dinner though, was that there were left overs, so as I sit typing this I'm munching on another delicious hamburger with a huge side of watermelon and a tall glass of water. And it is good. I would take a picture for you, but now the hamburger is gone and only half the watermelon remains, so it wouldn't be particularly beautiful.

If you want a visual though, imagine this. Me, 38 (almost 39) weeks pregnant, sitting at the kitchen table in my tankini, stomach bared because there isn't enough fabric in the world to cover it, an almost empty plate of watermelon in front of me and a streak of grease on the aforementioned bare belly from the aforementioned delicious burger. Isn't pregnancy beautiful?

Now if you are wondering why I'm in a tankini, I will tell you. It's because I went over to the house of a new friend and we chillaxed beside her apartment's pool for a while and just chatted and watched the cutest, gurgliest baby girl splash around and then explain to her mama without words but still very succinctly, that she was not a fan of the floaty thingamabob so please take her out of it right now, I mean it, now. The water was pretty chilly, so I didn't put more than my legs in, but oh how I wanted to! I think tomorrow I may work up the courage, because as it turns out there's a pool in our apartment complex too, and it's going to be 90 degrees out (I wonder if the Bay Area will put out another adorable little heat advisory?).

Oh and plus also, I thought I was having mild contractions last night! So that was exciting! But then it turned out I just needed to poo. Which I have been doing quite a bit more than normal lately. Too much information? Sorry, but if it's any comfort I hear it's normal to have looser bowels in the home stretch of a pregnancy, so at least I'm not the only preggo out there dealing with more #2 than usual.

And for those of you having trouble visualizing the tankini, this post's photo is for you. You are so welcome.

Tell me about the best burger you've ever eaten! And what sort of weather do you consider heat advisory worthy? Do low 90's count? 

This is What 38 Weeks Pregnant Looks Like

This morning I had an appointment with my mid-wife (who happens to be located a scant mile from 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, and if you own an iPhone, you should already know the significance of this address). Now the main difference between a midwife and an obstetrician I have found, is that a mid-wife makes you pee in a cup at every appointment and takes time to talk with you and explain whats going on with the baby chillaxing in your uterus... and an obstetrician doesn't. Or maybe that was just my experience? Whatevs. Point being I like my mid-wife except the peeing in a cup thing is awkward, because I mean come on you guys! They give you the teeniest cup in the world and are like, "aim sucker", which is not as easy for a pregnant woman who can't see past her belly to even landscape as it might be for a dude who is all like, "I've got this."

Also, my midwife has chocolate in a basket at the front desk, and the receptionist smiles at you when you take some which is how you know she's not judging you for being weak and pregnant about sweets. Winning.

Anywhoha. Today the midwife had a student nurse practitioner with her, which I was totes cool with and everything. I mean, if you want to practice your mid-wifery on my perfectly normal (knock on wood) pregnancy, go for it. Yes your hands are cold, but that's okay because you also have really nice hair and are being gentle finding the baby's back and head and whatnot through my belly. Just one thing stuck out to me about this lady though. First thing she says to me when she walks in is, "Hi I'm L****. Wow, you sure don't look 38 weeks pregnant!"

Now I get this a lot, honestly, so I wasn't super shocked or anything. Once upon a time I took pride in being told I barely looked knocked up because I mean, who doesn't want to look thin when they feel like a house? Now though, with kidlets feet kicking me in the side all the time, and barely being able to breathe when I turn from one side to another in the night because the weight of my uterus cuts off my blood supply and somehow my oxygen for the brief moments I'm on my back... I'm a little less thrilled to be told I don't look as pregnant as I am. I mean, maybe if I looked more pregnant people wouldn't look kindly but skeptical when I complain of heartburn or rib aches or lightning crotch or any other number of highly unpleasant symptoms that have started to make themselves known in the past few weeks.

And then there's always the thought in the back of my head that's like, "Gee, if you don't look pregnant maybe it's because you always looked like a house," when in reality its just because of the way Baby Llama is positioned and the fact that my boobs have gotten super huge like unto watermelons during this pregnancy, so they overshadow the belly quite a bit.

So my numero uno piece of advice to friends/relations/significant others of pregnant women: You don't need to tell her she doesn't look pregnant. "Not looking pregnant" does not automatically equate to looking thin or carrying the pregnancy well. No, your pregnant woman knows exactly how much she has gained and what size clothes she's wearing now and probably her body fat percentage, so if she doesn't look pregnant she will probably think she just looks fat, which is not good for pregnant self-esteem, let me tell you. Instead tell her how beautiful she looks, how resplendent her figure is, or perhaps that her hair looks fantastic. She'll appreciate it.

And for the record, this is what 38 weeks pregnant looks like on me. So there.

What is the most awkward thing you've said to a pregnant woman or had said to you while pregnant? Be honest, we all know you've got a story.